麥當丑  

這次的笑話選自 這個網站 這個網站 來翻譯。
我一樣把一些單字和說明放在藍字的部份囉!
話說這次有蠻多笑話都是老笑話了。

 

(1) 自殺
Q: Why aren't there any suicides in Poland?
A: You can't kill yourself jumping out of a basement window.

Q: 為什麼在波蘭沒有人自殺?
A: 因為從地下室的窗戶往外跳根本死不了。

 

註:suicide是自殺,動詞是commit suicide,以前英文老師是說自殺算是犯了宗教的罪所以用commit。

 



(2) 農舍
Three travelers, one from India, one a Jew and the third a Polak,
are having trouble finding a room for the night.
After much searching, they finally find an Inn with only two beds left.
The innkeeper offers to let the third one of them sleep in the barn.

They draw straws for the two beds, and the Indian is sent off to the barn for the night.
But within five minutes of the Jew and the Polak turning off the lights and going to bed,
there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door.
They open the door and there is the Indian.

"I cannot sleep in the barn," says the Indian,
"I am Hindu and there is a cow in the barn.
Cows are sacred to us so I cannot sleep under the same roof as one."

The Jew volunteers to go to sleep in the barn.

But within five minutes of the Polak and the Indian turning off the lights and going to bed,
there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door.
They open the door and there is the Jew.

"I can't sleep in the barn either," says the Jew,
"there's a pig in the barn, and if I sleep in hay that a pig has touched,
I may get some in my mouth and that wouldn't be kosher."

So the Polak ventures out to go to sleep in the barn.

But within five minutes of the Indian and the Jew turning off the lights and going to bed,
there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door.
They open the door and there is the cow and the pig.

有三個旅人,一個是印度人、一個猶太人、一個波蘭人。
他們碰上了找不到夜宿房間的問題。
經過一番尋找,終於找到個小旅舍,但只剩兩張床位。
旅舍老闆只能讓第三個人去睡在農舍中。

他們鋪好床舖之後,印度人被叫去睡農舍。
猶太人跟波蘭人關燈睡覺的五分鐘後,
卻有叩、叩、叩的敲門聲。
他們開門,是印度人。

「我不能睡在農舍裡,」印度人說:
「我是印度教徒,而農舍裡有牛,
 牛對我們來說是很神聖的,所以我不能跟牛睡在同一間房子裡。」

於是猶太人自告奮勇去睡農舍。

然而就在印度人跟波蘭人關燈睡覺的五分鐘後,
又有叩、叩、叩的敲門聲。
他們打開門,是猶太人。

「我不能睡在農舍裡,」猶太人說:
「農舍裡有一隻豬,而如果我睡的那些乾草有豬碰過,
 有些可能會碰到嘴巴,對我們而言那是褻瀆神明。」

所以波蘭人就只好去睡農舍。

但是就在印度人跟猶太人關燈睡覺的五分鐘後,
門又叩、叩、叩的響了。
他們打開門,是那隻牛跟豬。

 

註:barn 農舍、馬廄、穀倉。
  kosher 是專指猶太教徒符合教規、乾淨的;wouldn't be kosher 我就直接翻褻瀆神明。

 

 

(3) 逃到樹上

A Polish, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers
when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree.

When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout,
"We know you're up there. Come down."  
The English guy, thinking fast, says,
"Tweet, tweet, tweet..."

The Germans, thinking that it's a bird,
move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout,
"We know you're up there. Come down."
The French guy, thinking fast, says,
"Hoot, Hoot, Hoot..."

The Germans, thinking that it's an owl,
move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout,
"We know you're up there. Come down."

The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says,
"Moo, moo, moo..."

波蘭人、英國人、和法國人,正在躲避德軍追補,
他們逃進森林裡,並打算爬到樹上躲著。

當德軍到達時,他們先到英國人躲的第一棵樹,並大喊:「我們知道你在那兒,下來吧!」
英國人很快地想出對策,說:
「啾,啾,啾......」

德國人心想那只是隻鳥,
就到另一棵樹,法國人躲的那棵下面,大喊:
「我們知道你在那兒,下來吧!」
法國人也很快想出對策,說:
「忽──忽──忽──」

德國人想說那是貓頭鷹,
就再到另一棵波蘭人躲的樹下,再次大喊:「我們知道你在那兒,下來吧!」

波蘭人想了一下之後,說:
「哞~哞~哞~」

 

 

(4) 鋸子

A Polish man is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard.
He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him,
"Look, I have a lot of models,
but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model.
This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So the Pole takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees.
After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit.
He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.

"How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the man asks himself.
"I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", he tells himself.
So, the next morning he gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall,
and he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw.
"The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.
I will take this saw back to the dealer."
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem.
The dealer, baffled by the Pole's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.
The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw,
to which the Pole responds, "What's that noise?"

一個波蘭人想要買個鋸子去鋸倒後院的幾棵樹。
他到了賣鋸子的商店問有哪些鋸子。
賣家告訴他:
「瞧,我這兒有這麼多型號,
 但是你何不省時間省力氣,直接挑我們最優的這款?
 這把鍊鋸一天可以為你鋸個百來根木頭!」

於是波蘭人就拿那鋸子回家開始鋸樹。
鋸了幾個小時後,他只鋸了兩棵,就放棄了。
他覺得鋸子一定是哪裡出錯了。

「為什麼我鋸幾個小時只鋸兩棵?」他自問。
「我明天一早第一件事就是先來鋸樹,鋸一整天!」他對自己說。
於是,隔天早上他四點起床,然後一直鋸、一直鋸、一直鋸,直到夜幕低垂,
然而他只勉強鋸了五棵樹。

他終於確信他那把鋸子很爛。
「賣家跟我說一天可以鋸幾百棵樹,好,
 我會把這鋸子退還給他!」
隔天一大早他就帶著鋸子去賣家那兒並說明問題。
賣家聽了波蘭人的訴求,把箱子裡的鍊鋸拿出來。
賣家說:「他看起來沒啥問題呀?」
然後就啟動了鍊鋸,
波蘭人回應道:「那梗梗梗梗梗的噪音是什麼?」

 

註:這篇中文我盡量依照原文翻譯,但還是有經過少許改寫。
  最後聽到那個噪音我自己加上馬達的音效。
  因為波蘭人根本不知道那個是電動鋸所以他拿那把自己手動鋸樹。

 

 

(5) 換燈泡

Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb
    and the other two to spin the chair.

另一版本 A: 100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.

Q: 波蘭人要換燈泡的話需要幾個人?
A: 三個。一個站在椅子上抓住燈泡,
  另外兩個抓這椅子轉。

另一版本 A: 十萬零一個。一個抓住燈泡,另外十萬個人去轉房子。

 

註:這個孫維新老師講過!沒想到另一版本的解答更威XDDD

 

 

(6) 神父的襯衫

A Polish man saw a priest walking down the street.
Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said,
"Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"

The priest laughed,
"Because, my son, I am a Father!"
The Pole scratched his head.
"But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!"

Again the priest laughed.
"But I am a Father of thousands!"
To which the Pole replied,
"Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"

一個波蘭人在街上碰到神父。
看到神父的衣領,他叫住神父並說:
「不好意思,但是為什麼你把你的襯衫前後反過來穿?」

神父笑說:
「我的孩子,因為我是個神父(父親)。」
波蘭人抓抓頭說:
「但是我也是個父親啊,但是我沒有把衣服穿反!」

神父又笑著說:
「但是我是上千上萬人的父親啊!」
波蘭人答道:
「那你應該要把你的內褲反過來穿!」

 

註:father是父親,也是神父、牧師的意思,外國電影常出現。
  collar是領子,因為神父穿的袍好像是反過來的?
  shorts是男用的內褲,應該就是四角褲吧!
  波蘭人以為神父是搞出了幾千個孩子,就叫他內褲反穿不要到處生孩子。

 

 

(7) 釘子

These two Poles are building a house.
One of them is putting on the siding.
He picks up a nail, hammers it in.
Picks up another nail, throws it away.
Picks up a nail, hammers it in.
Picks up another, throws it away.

This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over
and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies,
"Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."
The buddy gets exasperated and says
"You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"

兩個波蘭人在蓋房子,
其中一個正在釘牆壁。
他拿起一個釘子,拿鎚子釘進去,
拿起另一個釘子,丟開;
又拿起一個釘子,釘進去,
再拿起另一個,丟開。

持續一陣子後,他的夥計過來,
問他為什麼要把另一半釘子都丟開。

他答:
「因為這些釘子方向是反的!」
他夥計惱怒的說:
「你白癡喔!這些是房子另一邊用的!」

 

註:這個笑話要稍微想像一下。
  波蘭人以為拿釘子如果尖頭朝向牆壁時就是對的,反過來就是釘子是反的。

 

 

(8) 波蘭Gay

Did you hear about the gay Polak? He slept with women.

你知道那個波蘭的Gay嗎?他跟女人上床。

 

 

(9) 釣魚地點

These two Polish men rent a boat and go fishing in a lake.
They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day,
so one says to the other,
"We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks,
"But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint,
paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says,
"We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy says,
"You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

兩個波蘭人租了艘船,到湖中釣魚。
那天他們抓到很多魚,相當吃驚,
所以其中一個就說:
「我們明天再來這兒釣吧!」
另一個問說:
「但是我們要怎麼記住這個漁點?」

第一個波蘭人就拿出噴漆灌,
噴了一個X在船底說:
「我們明天就找這個X記號吧!」
另一個說:
「你白癡喔!我們怎麼知道明天會租到同一艘船?」

 

 

(10) 熱狗

Two Poles emigrated to America.
On their first day off the boat in New York City,
they spied a hot dog vendor in the street.

"Did you know they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.
"I did not know that."
"Well, If we're going to live here, we might as well learn to eat like Americans."

So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper
and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench.
One Pole looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other Pole and asked,
"What part did you get?"

兩個波蘭人移民到美國。
他們下船到紐約市的第一天,
就在暗中觀看街上的熱狗攤。

「你知道他們在美國吃狗肉嗎?」其中一個問另一個。
「我不知道耶。」
「嗯,我們如果要在這邊過活,我們可能就要學著如果跟美國人一樣吃東西。」

所以他們各買了一份熱狗,用包裝紙包好,
然後在附近公園的長椅坐下食用。
其中一個波蘭人看了一下他包裝紙裡頭,然後再看看另一個波蘭人的熱狗,問說:
「你拿到狗的哪個部份?」

 

 

 

(11) 海灘把妹

A Polish man was walking along the beach in France.
There are many beautiful women lying in the sun,
and he really wants to meet one.
But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested.
Finally, as a last resort,
he walks up to a Frenchman lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside,
"but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now,
and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them.
You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybee I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman.
"What you do ees you go to zee store.
You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit.
You walk up and down zee beach.
You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the Pole, and off he goes to the store.
He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach.
He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman.

"I'm sorry to bother you again," he says,
"but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit,
and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman,
"I tell you what you do. You go to zee store.
You buy potato.
You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach.
You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store.
He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit,
and marches up and down the beach.
Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him.

After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach,
and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman,
"maybe I can help you a leetle beet.
Why don't you try moving zee potato to the front of zee sweeming suit?"

一個波蘭人走在法國的海灘上,
那兒有許多美女躺在太陽下,
而他很想要找個美女認識一下。
但是不管他怎麼試,那些女人似乎完全不感興趣。
最後,他抱著最後的希望,
朝一個身邊圍繞著美女、躺在沙灘上的法國人走過去。

「不好意思,」他說,並把那法國人拉到一旁,
「我整個小時一直試著要認識這些女人,
 但是我似乎沒辦法跟他們有什麼進一步的關係。
 你是法國人,你知道這些女人。她們要的是什麼?」

「或許我可以幫你個小~忙!」法國人說:
「你要做的,就~是去那~個商店,
 你買個小~件的三角泳褲,
 然後在沙灘上走來走去,
 就會像我一樣很快認識女孩子。」

「哇,謝啦!」波蘭人說完,便離開法國人走去商店。
他買了一件小小的紅色泳褲,穿上它,然後走回海灘,
他在海灘上走來走去但仍然無幸吸引到女仕們。
於是他又回去找法國人。

「抱歉又打擾你一次,」他說:
「但是我去商店裡買了泳褲,
 但我還是沒有辦法認識到女孩子。」

「好吧,」法國人說,
「我告訴你要怎麼做,你去那~個商店。
 你買一個馬鈴薯。
 你把馬鈴薯放在泳~褲裡然後在沙灘走來走去。
 你會像這樣認識女孩子非常非常快。」

「謝啦!」波蘭人說完,跑去商店,
買了一顆馬鈴薯放在泳褲裡,
然後在沙灘走來走去。
他走來走去、走來走去,但是女人們根本不看他一眼。

過了半小時,他忍受不住了,又回去找法國人。
「你看,」他說:「我買了泳褲,放了馬鈴薯進去,然後在海灘走來走去,
但什麼也沒發生!我還需要做什麼嗎?」
「好吧,」法國人說:
「或許我可以再幫你個小~忙,
 你何不試試把那~顆馬鈴薯,放到你泳褲的前半部呢?」

 

註:穿緊身三角褲然後塞馬鈴薯看起來某部位會比較大(放對地方的話)。

 

 

(12) 假裝義大利人

There was once a Polish man who was extremely sad with life
because people always made fun of him.
He decided to do something about it.
He sat down to contemplate the situation,
and after a few hours, he thought,
"I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians.
So, if I start talking and behaving like them,
no one will be able to make out that I am Polish and make fun of me."

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice,
he walked confidently into a shop and said,
"I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."
Immediately, the man behind the counter said
"Are you Polish?"
This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request.

The man behind the counter said,
"Are you Polish or not?"
This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability
and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked,
"But how did you know?"
The shopkeeper replied,
"This is a hardware store!"

有個波蘭人覺得自己生命實在很悲慘,
因為人們都一直拿他當玩笑。
他決定要做什麼事來解決這問題。
他坐下來並且仔細思考這個情況,
在幾小時之後,他想到了:
「我還沒有看過別人開義大利人玩笑,
 所以如果我開始假裝成義大利人講話、做動作,
 就不會有人分辨出我是波蘭人,而一直嘲笑我了。」

經過閉關三個月以及許多的練習後,
他自信滿滿的走進一間店說:
「我現在很餓。給我一些義大利辣香腸和南瓜。」
在收銀機後的男人立刻說道:
「你是波蘭人吧?」
波蘭人有點嚇到,不過他還是重述了一次他的要求。

收銀機後的男人說:
「你到底是不是波蘭人?」
波蘭人終於有點羞愧、也有點訝異於店主眼光為何如此敏銳,
承認他是波蘭人的事實,問道:
「你怎麼知道的?」
店主答道:
「這是一間五金行!」

 

註:make out 辨別。
  be taken aback 吃了一驚。

 

 

(13) 尋人

Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip.
They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals.
Jean Paul finds these two Poles some-what amusing and so he goes all out to make them happy.
He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques...
This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul fails to turn up.

The Poles assume that some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note of it.
But, perhaps something more serious has occurred serious
as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days at a stretch.

At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a report.
The inspector asks them to give details of the person who's missing.
The following conversation follows:

Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.
Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.

Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.
Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.

Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes.
Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.

Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon.
I'm sure now you shall be able to track him.
You see, He's got two holes in his ass.
Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?

Krachevski: Ya! Ya!
Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you have is CORRECT?

Krachevski: Most certainly.
Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure?

Krachevski: Simple.
Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone used to greet him as
"Here comes Jean Paul with two ass-holes."

兩個波蘭人,Markowski和Kranchevski到法國旅遊。
他們碰到一個法國人叫做Jean Paul,並成為了好哥們。
Jean Paul發現這兩個波蘭人頗搞笑的,所以他也想辦法讓他們旅途愉快。
他招待他們到夜店、酒吧、迪斯可舞廳......
持續了一段時間,直到有一天Jean Paul沒有現身。

兩個波蘭人猜想說可能有重要的事情絆住他,而沒有特別在意。
但是,可能真的有什麼嚴重的事情發生,
讓Jean Paul一連五天都沒有出現。

波蘭人開始覺得擔心而到警察局報案。
巡警問他們失蹤者的相關細節。
以下是他們的對話:

Markowski: 嗯,他名字叫Jean Paul。
巡警: 那是很普通的法國人名。再多講一些細節。

Krachevski: 嗯,他長得很高。
巡警: 大部份法國人也都很高。不重要。

Markowski: 那......他有藍色的眼睛。
巡警: 喔,不。我要更確切一點的細節。

Krachevski: 我想到了。這個就有點不尋常了。
我確定你現在可以去找尋他了。
你知道嗎,他有兩個屁眼。
巡警: (驚訝)喔喔!這真的很怪。你確定嗎?

Krachevski: 是啊是啊!
巡警: 你真的真的確定你說的這個人的資訊是正確的嗎?

Krachevski: 幾乎確定啦!
巡警: (仍然懷疑)但你怎麼確定的?

Krachevski: 很簡單啊。
當我們之前跟他去酒吧時,每個人跟他打招呼時都說:
「Jean Paul和他的兩個屁眼(混蛋)又來了!」

 

註:at a strech 一口氣、一連。
  ass hole除了是屁股洞之外,主要是老外用來罵人混蛋的。

 

 

(14) 神風特攻隊

A Polish kamikaze has flown 48 successful missions.

一個波蘭的神風特攻隊有48次成功飛行紀錄。

 

註:kamikaze 神風特攻隊,來自日文,就是開飛機撞敵軍自殺的......

 

 

(15) 飛機降落

A Polish Airways flight was descending for a landing
at an airport they had never been to before.
The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to his copilot,
"Holy crap! Look how short that runway is!  I've never seen one so short!"

The copilot looked out the windshield.
"Wow! you're right! That's insane! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, were almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers
to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed.

The jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control.
The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilot was praying.
They touched down
and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway,
the tires smoking.

"Whew! That was close!" yelled the captain." That runway was short!"
"Yeah!" said the copilot," and wide too!"

一架波蘭航空的班機要降落
在一座他們沒去過的機場。
機長從擋風玻璃看出去,然後對副機長驚呼道:
「我的天啊!你看那機場跑道也太短了,我沒看過這麼短的!」

副機長也從擋風玻璃看出去。
「哇!你說的沒錯!根本太荒謬了!你確定我們可以成功降落嗎?」
「我們最好能成功,我們快沒油了。」

於是機長用對講機對乘客廣播,
要他們頭擺在雙膝中間準備迫降。
然後他將機翼阻力板全放下以將飛機減至剛好失速的速度上。

這台噴射機開始發出巨鳴,也在失控邊緣。
機長雙手冒汗,副機長祈禱著。
他們觸地後,
飛機一路發出刺耳的聲音直到停在跑道的邊緣,
輪胎也冒著煙。

「呼!真是好險!」機長大叫:「這跑道真短!」
「對呀!」副機長說:「而且很寬!」

 

註:stall speed 失速速度。
  講一下物理概念:飛機是靠機翼上下空氣流動的速度不同,在達到某個速度後,
  因為下方空氣的速度較機翼上方速度慢,而會產生向上的浮力。
  飛機失速時空氣產生的上浮力不夠,飛機就會墜毀。
  以上跟這篇無關XD
  這篇是在講波蘭機師從跑道側面降落所以很短又很寬
  

 

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